As we speak, there is an avocado quickly ripening to its death on my kitchen counter. I gaze at the pricey fruit despondently, thinking, There goes my financial future. That’s the startling revelation made by Australian millionaire Tim Gurner, who revealed in a riveting interview that our unfettered spending habits and avocados are the reason Millennials can’t afford homes. Thanks to his interview, we finally have answers, and the world breathes a collective sigh of relief.
The property mogul appeared on Australia’s 60 Minutes to drop some truth bombs and slam Millennials for carrying out abominable acts such as eating avocado and traveling. “When I was trying to buy my first home, I wasn’t buying smashed avocado for $19 and four coffees at $4 each,” he says, referring to the two or three people who’ve ever spent that kind of money on avocado and coffee, like, ever. “We’re at a point now where the expectations of younger people are very, very high.” At the wise old age of 35, Gurner knows a thing or two about the actions and intentions of all young people. We’re irresponsible and careless, and lower your standards, damnit. Spewing more earth-shattering knowledge, he says of younger people, “They want to eat out every day, they want to travel to Europe every year. The people that own homes today worked very, very hard for it, saved every dollar, did everything they could to get up the property investment ladder.” You can bet those people never ate avocado or drank coffee. Except they probably did.
The tone deaf — er, brilliant — comments made by the immensely rich powerhouse weren’t well received by many hypersensitive, overly entitled Millennials. “There is no question we are at a point now where the expectations of younger people are very, very high,” Gurner said, ignoring the millions of people questioning if the expectations of younger people are very, very high or not. Millionaires. Pfft.
The totally un-shocking discovery that poor spending can lead to financial instability was the slap in the face we needed, and no, Gurner is definitely not glossing over any details here. So what if it would still take approximately 113 years for Millennials to afford a down payment on a house even if they changed their eating habits? So what if research has found that all generations are eating out more now? So what if homeownership is historically lower among younger adults and has actually declined across most age groups since sh*t hit the fan in the 2008 financial crisis? So what if Millennials are factually the generation spending the least on travel? So what if statistically, Millennials aren’t even able to travel as much as they’d like to because they can’t get the time off work and are too busy making money?
Remember that one time you paid extra for guac at Chipotle? I’d say you deserve whatever financial struggles come your way, wouldn’t you? Damn you. Damn you straight to hell and may you never get a home loan with a decent interest rate.
And forget what you read about how Gurner was given $34,000 by his grandfather many years ago to help get his business up and running. Seriously, forget it. I’m not kidding. Stop thinking about it. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
BTW, for anyone doing the math, $34,000 translates to around 23 years of $4 coffees, in Gurner Math. But joke’s on you, because rumor has it Gurner prefers green tea, so HA.
And really, we should be thanking Gurner for being the one to finally solve the housing affordability crisis. Honestly, he’s just trying to help. After all, he’s in the business of selling overpriced — I mean luxury — property. Which you’ll never be able to afford. Because you’re a Millennial and you eat avocado.
Don’t get all worked up, now.
If you were worth half a bil, wouldn’t you think it was your place to make blanket statements about other people’s finances and tell Millennials they expect too much out of life? Me too! I mean, good on you, Millennials, because data says you’ve shown the greatest increase in your savings rate compared to every other generation. But! Did you really need that pack of gum you bought the other day? Didn’t think so.